Today, I am getting back in the room. Today, I start my journey to lose the rest of my extra weight for good. I lost 40 pounds 2 years ago. I gained 17 of it back over the last year. UGH. Needless to say, this weight gain resulted in some depression and turned into a vicious cycle of depression and filling the sadness with food. It came back slowly and I started to work at getting it back off several times but none of those times lasted more than a week. Some things happened to derail me. I got sick; our 10 year old lab/shepherd mix, Kona, died suddenly; I had a horrible muscle spasm in my back or I just plain felt fat and unattractive and felt like "what's the point?".
I'm struggling with that last one all the time. I felt so great when I had lost that weight. I had a great motivator for that weight loss: once I reached my goal, we would adopt a new dog. I reached my goal and we adopted Phoebo in June of 2013. My husband and I celebrated our 9th anniversary that summer and I felt and looked the best I had in years. I'm not sure what happened. I do know that I got really tired of counting calories and not being able to allow myself to have something I really wanted. Anyone else ever go through that? I'm sure you do. So, this is not a diet. This is a permanent lifestyle change. PERMANENT.
The phrase "in the room" comes from discussions with my cousin. This was a term she came up with. You are either in the room or not. If you're in that room, you are ready and are going to do it. I spent a lot of time at the doorway but didn't step back in. It's not an easy room to step into or to stay in. Being disciplined and focused and motivated are the toughest parts of this process.
The last week, I have felt disgusted with myself and upset that a lot of my clothes don't fit anymore. I want to wear sweatpants all the time. I don't want to get dressed and go out. It feels like a chore because I don't enjoy it anymore. I just see the way I let myself down and let myself go. I'm just so disappointed in myself. Seeing my face get fatter again and shirts that were loose on me, either fit or are getting tight... all contribute to feeling ugly and fat. I know this all sounds terrible but it's true.
Most of this stems from self-esteem issues I have had most of my life. When I was 8, we moved to a new city in the middle of the school year. The kids were mean. I had a really difficult time making friends which was strange for me. At my old school, I had no problems at all. I constantly felt like I had to prove myself and kids picked on me a lot. One girl stole from me. I had rumors spread about me in middle school that followed me into adulthood that were so absurd, it made me even more upset that people were still asking me about it as an adult. People are just mean - especially kids. All throughout school, I had a new group of friends with every new school year. No lasting friends.
In 10th grade, a girl I was friends with begged me to try out for cheerleading with her. I really didn't want to because of all of the stereotypes I had heard. She convinced me to do it with her. I made the JV squad. Being a cheerleader was great. I loved it. I loved performing and competing. From day one, I never felt like I belonged though. I never felt like one of them. I always felt like the girl who crashed the party and wasn't really welcome. I cheered for 2 years. We even had a coed team senior year so I got to do partner stunts a lot with one off them. It was a lot of fun. Cheerleading helped a lot in high school. It gave me a place to be in school but I still never felt like I truly fit anywhere.
It all continued. Even now, I obsess about friendships and and whether or not someone likes me. A woman at my church has me baffled because I can't tell if she likes me or doesn't. It has caused me to change a lot of my involvement there. I think about this woman and I dissect our conversations a lot. It's so ridiculous. I know this. But I can't help myself because after having been through not having any real friends for most of my life, I just want everyone to like me. The reality of the situation is that she might not like me. I have to be ok with that. I have to let it go. It's just really hard for me.
I have been praying for God to give me that kick in the pants and make me do it this time. I just hope and pray that it lasts. I really need HIM to do this for me. I know I can't do it on my own. I know that. I'm afraid of how I'm going to do this time. I am having trouble trusting that it will work and that He has my back. Pray for me on that one.
The other major contributor to my weight gain is stress. We are planning to put our house on the market in April of next year. We have a million things that need to be fixed around here and most of the work or arranging of hiring of people to fix it, falls on me... on top of all of my other regular responsibilities. Here is our list of to do's:
1. Get a new garage door.
2. Get another person out to look at our roof and determine if we need to replace or repair it. Then hire someone to do it.
3. Get new sod for our back yard as Phoebo tore out a LOT of our grass.
4. Get our bathroom faucet fixed - it leaks and has no pressure.
5. Get our basement bathroom faucet replaced by a pro.
6. Get new tiles for the ceiling in the basement
7. Get the 4 lights in the basement that don't work anymore, replaced and installed.
8. Get the hall bathroom floor updated.
9. Repair the wall in that bathroom, reinstall the towel bar and probably repaint in there again.
10. Repair walls and paint the master bathroom.
11. Get the ceiling in the master bathroom repaired after the roof leak is fixed.
12. Replace the carpet in the master bedroom.
13. Get new glass in my son's bedroom window.
14. Get our sliding screen door replaced since Phoebo went through it last year.
15. Go through stuff in the basement and either sell, donate or toss a lot.
16. Declutter and pack.
17. Refinish our media cabinet
18. Repair walls
19. Repaint trim
20. Paint trim around windows in master bedroom.
21. Get our french door finish repaired.
... and more!
Is this enough yet? This is all on top of being a mom of 3, doing the laundry of 5 people, cooking daily, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, running the kids to the bus stop and preschool, volunteering at school, making sure homework gets done, packing lunches and snacks daily, paying the bills, teaching kids church, singing on the worship team at church, decorating the house, taking care of our dog and our neighbor's dog, bible study, taking kids to sports, etc.
I have already done a lot of painting. I repainted/ decorated both of the kids' bedrooms, the hallway, the family room and the trim in the dining room. I built a headboard for our king sized bed. I reupholstered our dining room chairs. We cleaned out our garage last weekend. I refinished 2 end tables in our family room too. A lot of the things on this list, are big and expensive.
Looking at this list or thinking about it makes me want to scream because it's all so overwhelming!!!! The overwhelmed feeling consumes me a lot and makes me want to eat or drink or just not do anything and hide in my bed.
I also struggle with not having my own identity anymore. My family is my whole life. I don't work outside the home. That also causes me to feel like I'm not worth as much nor do I feel I very appreciated in my house of boys for all of the things I do for them. I wish I could just leave them for a week and see how they do without me. Yeah right. LOL
Ok, thanks for listening. If you wouldn't mind, please keep me in your prayers.